Thoughts of a Jewess

My heart is broken
it feels beyond repair
I feel trapped in this endless cycle my people have been thrown into
a brutal circle of hatred
I sit here with blood-free hands yet they still demand a trial
I have only my scars to show
I have only this pain I feel
why must I defend my innocence to you?
Why must I plead for my life?
And who are you to demand proof of innocence, anyway?
Who crowned you the judge of Justice? You, with blood on your hands? You, with venom on your tongue?

I take out my heart and let them see it’s mangled state
wear it on my sleeve in pure transparency
and they see the horrors that has been done unto my people
yet they demand more evidence
yet they tell me we deserved it.
What is this world I’m living in?

I am exhausted from trying to prove myself worthy of survival
it has become a generational practice
a tradition I’m so tired of.
I get lost in the cloud of betrayal
in the sea of enemies from our past arisen again under a new name
a mask of what they call social Justice discoloring their hidden faces.
If you claim Justice,
why do you hide your faces?

I feel safe in the unity of our people
comfort under the wings of our own support
but I can’t help the turning of my stomach when I see how far we’ve been pushed away from others
ostracized
orientalized
to the point where we are not even seen as human anymore
to the point where violence on us is threatened
and acted on
and others see it as beneficial to the world.
I become disheartened by the loneliness
sickened by the graves of my people that are ignored
trampled on
images of our babies, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, children ripped away from the world
taken to places unknown,
conditions unimaginable
we raise our voices but how could we ever fit into the collective voice when we are continuously drowned out
muffled, silenced
our numbers too little to even create a ripple within the majority.

They praise our dead
call for our continued massacre
on their lips hatred is stained and poured out
drunk by the rest of the world like they’re spewing honey, not hatred
their mouths scream freedom but they do not see how the word is shredded by their teeth
tongues tasting words they don’t quite understand the meaning to, but spoken loud to fit in with the rest of the crowd.
A book in one hand and a knife in another
I know what they’ll choose
because this isn’t about the land
this isn’t about the facts
this is about a thousands-year-old hatred called antisemitism
masking itself as Justice once again
adopted and accepted by the world again
the same exact world that screams “never again”
but is ignorant to what that even means.

I get lost in the pain.
I feel weary from the fear.
I watch as my history is rewritten, present distorted
as they sew my mouth shut and speak for me.
I sniff out the danger lurking around the corner
and try to enjoy a moment of silence.
Try to gather myself before I allow their darkness to consume me
and I meditate on a reassuring thought.

Amongst the chaos
among the fear
the pain
I find comfort in one thing –
I know,
because of our history
because of our connection to HaShem
because of our identity
that they could never, and will never take from us our pride
our dignity
our Torah
our peoplehood
our light
and so our existence.
So,
we must celebrate this
we must continue wearing the kippot
the tzitzit
the magen David, the ḥai
keep the mezuzot
keep the identity
keep the pride.