עול(ה) חי

The death you wished for in those glorious moments alone
on the bike path cycling to work
and the quiet sobs of a body wracked
the singular blaze for those around
you
you live right now

in the thousand steps of helping your neighbor lift her cart up the stairs
as your other neighbor rambles on about how she can’t clean the balcony with bleach anymore

in the sword through the gut
of your friend from recon
dapping up the bartender as
eyes flick to your seat with a smile
and hug but the dust
and explosives keep him from joining
though maybe a spark
is stolen from the chamber

in the gut strings around the neck of accepting an invitation to your father’s table
when before four days you were ready to kill him again and again and again

in the burning metal poured down the throat of a statement misspoken to put your friend at ease because at least lies shine
brighter than
the moments around us
and what is truth between friends
but a lie which gestures to something more

in the stones you stack on the barrows of men you’ve never met
and the stones you think of on the graves of brothers you buried but cannot
walk past
even if the sun lashes a thousand knots in its circuit upon your back and the back of all burdens

in the thousand steps of teaching a young man with a golden retriever puppy how to feed her water from a plastic cup
at 3am

in the tuneless hum of another night without silence

give me one more